Beyond Snacks: Nourishing Children Emotionally
Hunger shows up in many ways in the therapy space, for both children and adults. Although this piece focuses on children, it may also resonate with adults—particularly those adults who did not experience consistent emotional nourishment during childhood.
Sometimes hunger is concrete. Clients may ask for a snack, bring lunch, or work with me to prepare something to eat. Our basic needs often need to be met before we can fully attend to emotional ones. It is the age-old message of the Snickers commercial: “You’re not you when you’re hungry.”
But hunger also appears in less tangible forms. Our bodies and nervous systems crave connection, vulnerability, and unconditional positive regard.
In children, emotional hunger—the longing to connect and be seen—can appear in many ways. A child may push the boundaries around materials or snacks by asking, “Just one more…” One more slime project. One more squish ball. One more card game before it is time to leave. One more piece of candy.
Sometimes “one more” never seems to be enough. Often, the request is not really about the item. It may be about the child’s desire to take a piece of the safe, connected therapy space back with them—to environments where they may not feel emotionally fed.
Therapy isn’t just about what is being “fed” to children in the 60 minute therapy sessions, it is also what we learn to develop and shift in our homes and communities. So what does metaphorically “feeding” children look like? It is about more than tangible food, presents, or rewards.
Instead, feeding our children emotionally may look like this:
Listening before problem-solving
Listen to a child’s version of the story, even when you disagree. Rather than immediately offering advice—especially to teenagers—first validate that their perspective feels real and significant to them.
This moves us out of “fixing” mode and into listening mode. Once children feel heard, they may become more open to hearing another perspective or engaging in problem-solving.
Consider this example from an adult perspective: A coworker who is not your supervisor approaches you and says you completed a task incorrectly. You are surprised because you worked hard and felt proud of the result. When you try to explain your process, the coworker immediately tells you how the task should have been completed.
You might feel defensive or shut down. You may avoid the coworker or respond irritably.
Now imagine that the coworker first asks about your process, acknowledges your effort, and asks whether you are open to suggestions. You are more likely to respond differently because you were heard before being corrected.
When we do not feel heard, our nervous systems may respond defensively. We may fight, flee, or freeze. In children, this can look like arguing, avoiding family interaction, staying in their rooms, bouncing out of their seats, withdrawing, becoming preoccupied with their own thoughts, or seeming unable to hear what we are saying.
Meeting children where they are
Emotional nourishment may also involve meeting children where they are rather than forcing them to return to past or “baseline” behaviors.
You might:
Sit quietly beside your teenager while they listen to music or scroll through social media. Ask genuinely what they enjoy, find interesting, frustrating, or annoying.
Sit beside a child who is playing and narrate what you observe without directing the play. For example: “You look like you know where you’re driving your car. It’s turning, and it even has its blinker on.”
Ask a preteen whether they would like help finding a special place to display an art project.
Sit beside a child who is coloring and color your own page alongside them, without requiring conversation.
These are not complicated skills, but they require patience. Adults often feel internally rushed, while children may move at a slower pace. When we slow down with them, we communicate that connection does not have to be earned through productivity or compliance.
Consistency matters
Physical nourishment requires consistency. Children need regular meals and snacks because growing requires energy. Emotional nourishment also depends on consistency.
Children need repeated experiences of being heard, valued, welcomed, and cared for. One meaningful conversation matters, but so do the many ordinary moments: sitting nearby, listening, noticing, and showing up again.
Once children feel heard, they are often better able to move toward problem-solving, connection, and resilience. Before we ask children to take in our advice, we may need to offer them something more basic: the experience of being emotionally fed.
